A stressed child has no room to learn
Attention and focus difficulties from a different angle: before looking for what's wrong with the child, check how much stress he's carrying, and where it comes from.
Yochai Leshem, clinical social worker and lecturer in child development · 6 min readIn one minute
- Many of the attention and focus difficulties I see are linked to inner stress. A stressed child has no room to learn.
- Hyperactivity, outbursts and restlessness are often the body's way of letting stress out.
- When we lower the stress and fit life to the child's nature, attention often improves too.
A hike on Mount Fuji
Imagine we're out on a hike together on Mount Fuji in Japan, just before a volcanic eruption. And I say to you: "Let's sit down here and study a piece of philosophy together." What would you say? "Yochai, I'm not free right now. I'm incredibly tense, something could blow up any second. You want to study? Let's get to the airport, fly home, and then we can sit down calmly and read."
It's not that you can't concentrate. It's just that under stress, nobody is free to learn. And the same is true for our children.
Stress as the root
Inner stress lies behind a very wide range of behaviors. And every body, like everything in nature, seeks balance. When stress builds up, the body looks for a way to let it out. That way doesn't always look pretty, but as far as the body is concerned, it works.
When the cup is full, the body "opens the taps": hyperactivity, outbursts, physical restlessness, and in some children also tics, which stress is known to make worse. Research shows that long-term stress affects brain systems linked to attention and motivation, including the dopamine system. From the outside we see "a child who can't focus". On the inside, it's a body trying to get its balance back.
The fact that it looks unpleasant to everyone around is our problem. The body doesn't care about that. It's simply trying to find its balance.
Running from the lion
Imagine someone running from a lion. His brain is flooded with chemicals like adrenaline and dopamine, and he becomes sharp and completely focused. He sees every branch and every stone, because one fall and the lion has him. He sizes up the nearest tree: can he climb it? He has only one chance.
He climbs. The lion realizes his meal is gone, and moves on. Then, after a few minutes, the brain calms down and the chemicals are absorbed back. Suddenly he feels joy. He calls his wife: "I love you, don't ask, I made it." He thinks about the kids and is filled with gratitude. Then he remembers there's an apple in his pocket, feels hungry, and takes a bite.
None of these feelings could work while he was running. Everything was shut down, except one thing: staying focused.
That's how a healthy system works: the brain gets on high alert when it needs to, and once the danger passes, it goes back to a state where you can feel, love, connect and be hungry.
And what about Ritalin?
Medications like Ritalin work on exactly this mechanism: they slow down the reabsorption of dopamine, so more of it stays available. That's what helps many people focus. But seen through the story of running from the lion, we can also understand the price some children pay: very focused, less hungry, and sometimes less connected to feelings, to joy and to relationships.
Medication
- Helps many children focus, and quickly
- Sometimes necessary, when the difficulty is big and hurting the child
- In some children, lower appetite, trouble sleeping or emotional flatness
- Doesn't deal with what fills the stress cup
A natural approach
- Deals with the source of the stress
- Strengthens the child over time
- Takes time
- Requires changes at home and around the child
A story from my practice
A young married yeshiva student came to see me. He had started taking Ritalin to be sharper in his learning. During the yeshiva summer break, when everyone went on vacation, he stopped all at once, and felt himself sinking into depression and difficult feelings that took him by surprise.
This story shows that a pill like this is not a small matter. Starting, changing or stopping any medication should only ever be done with a doctor's guidance.
I'm not against medication, and I'm not for it across the board. Every path has its pros and cons. What matters is choosing the right solution at the right time, with open eyes that understand the consequences.
Where the stress comes from
First source: a life that doesn't fit the child's nature. Every child is born with their own way of meeting the world:
A child born to work with his hands, to take apart, fix and build. When we sit him down all day just to think, stress builds up in him.
A child who loves to think, plan and analyze. When we keep asking him for hands-on work, stress builds up in him too, and he won't reach his potential.
A girl who learns through movement and experience. When we sit her down for hours, legs under the desk and hands to the side, she won't have room to learn.
None of them is "a problem". Each one will flourish in a place that suits them, and become stressed in a place that doesn't. As a society, and as a school system, we sometimes create this stress without noticing.
Second source: a child who wasn't given inner strength. When a child hasn't been given self-confidence and belief in his abilities, every encounter with the world, a test, a new friend, a hard task, becomes a threat. And every threat like that adds a little more stress to the cup.
How it snowballs
A child whose way of life keeps storing up stress won't have room to learn. At first we see attention and focus difficulties. And if a few more causes are added, it can lead to behavior difficulties too. The good news is that this snowball can be stopped at any one of the steps.
What parents can do
Instead of "What's wrong with him?", ask: "What's filling up his stress cup?"
Hands, head or body? A child who lives in tune with his nature builds up less stress.
Movement, outdoor play, sports, making things. Give the body a healthy way to let off steam, before it finds a way on its own.
Confidence and self-belief are armor. A child who believes in himself meets the world with less stress.
Before asking for focus, take the pressure down. A calm child is a child with room to learn.
Important to know
This angle is not a replacement for a diagnosis. Attention difficulties, and certainly tics, can also have a neurological background and other causes, so it's worth consulting your pediatrician or another professional. And if your child takes medication, don't stop it or change the dose without the doctor. But in any case, lowering stress and fitting life to the child's nature helps almost every child.
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Want to think it through together about your child?
I offer personal guidance for parents: together we'll work out what's filling your child's stress cup, and what can change at home.
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